HAWGSTOCK - Ask Grit

Dear Mr. Grit,

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not on the packets?
Knock yourself out, shake your packet!

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Probably not!

Can you read a picture book?
If it has writing you can.

If you mix bleach and brake fluid will it explode? Smoke a lot?
Hell NO!

Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Depends on who got laid first.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of those tootsie pops?
I dont know about tootsie pops but 101 for Bubbles.

What shape is the sky?
What ever shape you want it to be.

I hear there are 1001 uses for WD-40. Can you tell me what they are?
If you are that stupid, dont use it!

Can you slam a revolving door?
YEP

Why do you park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
because they were labeled by the gov. and they always get things bass akwards.

Is eating a mermaid considered canibalism?
No, It's considered fish.....I understand some other women buy them by the pound!

If Winnie the Pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely
he had spoons.
Cuz bears dont have hands.

Why does it say on the back of childrens tylenol - do not use before work with heavy machinery? I
mean....really could we save that many people by getting those 5 yr olds with headaches off those
forklifts?
If your kid can operate a forklift....You got it made!

If a Turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He's a no shell, homeless, naked, turtle!

How many sheets of paper can one tree make?
All of it.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
No Silly, they throw american fries

What do chickens taste like?
Chicken

Is the Hokey Pokey really what its all about?
Nope - its Sex

If you have a picket fence, flowers, mailbox, a fountain and a door bell at a rally, what does that make
you?
Important!

Why do men have hairy butts and women don't?
Women must have hotter gas.

Can you cry under water?
Ans: Can you ?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Ans: Near as i can tell they musta been an ASS x 2 to be concidered Ass ass inated

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Ans:To Make change and pay taxes

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Ans: Nope they send em out for dry cleaning

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Ans:Cuz NASA hasnt figured out how to make a round box but yet they can send a person to the moon

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Ans: got me by the crusty shorts

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Ans: priorties

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
Ans: maybe they wake up every 2 hours

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Ans: ive never heard it called a deafing

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Ans:better question would be, if the movie was on your telly are they still in it?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Ans: A different perspective i reckon

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
Ans: to be politically correct

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Ans: Theres more ass than tits

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Ans: Aint no reason to be calling me names ( decent human) I swear

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Ans: Cuz only strange people know the lyrics

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Ans: Only if theres a driver for the hearse

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Ans: Its not in his contract and its only a friggin tv show

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Ans: its a friggin cartoon , who cares?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
Ans: because they dont have take out

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
Ans: Freshed squeezed babies

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Ans: pass

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Ans: do they?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didnt~! But bubbles did, nice try tho.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?
Ans: its your bad breath, try Scope

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Ans: Stupidity on Bubbles part

What is a hacky? and why is it in a sack?
Ans: Because if your hacky wasnt in a sack it would be all over the place

Who was in the kitchen with Dina.
Ans: Wasn't me and they cant prove it~!

Why do we have to pay a toll on freeways.
Ans: Because they are toll ways not freeways

How old does something have to be to become antique.
Ans: look in the mirror

why is shampoo clear but not conditioner?
Ans: you don't want to know~!

Why cant liquor freeze?
Ans: because theres poker in the back

How come they don't add the time that we are in our moms to our age?
Ans: prolly because most aren't sober enough to remember the exact date of conception.

Where does ear wax come from?
Ans: Huh?

If you are in a car driving 65 mph and a fly is flying in a circle around in the car, how fast is the fly going?
Ans: After extensive research (2 clicks) the fly (also known as Musca domestica Linnaeus ) would be
going at an average speed of 5 mph, unless you are trying to kill it, then it would put on the after burners
and get up to a whole 15 mph.

Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater?
Ans: Damn good question i reckon they call it a hot water heater because a cold water heater just doesn't
roll off the tongue as well when ya say it.

Hey grit, how long does it take for people to forget that you left your woman behind at a poker run pit
stop?
Ans: Oh, I would say between now and never would be the correct answer.

Why does powdered sugar make your mouth feel cold?
Ans: Are you sure its powdered sugar?

Do those little buttons at crosswalks really do anything?
Ans: Not really, but it does give ya something to do while your waiting for the light to change

So grit, in your travels, have you ever left anything behind? Like oh say....bubbles?
Ans: Actually yes i have, but in my defense, it wasn't my fault!

'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
Ans: ok a lil poop education 101. Not all deer have little pellets only Does, Bucks are mostly solid clump,
cows only have a flat patty poop because of the distance it drops( see newtons law of gravity). I have yet
to see clumps of dry grass come from the south end of a north bound horse.
Im betting your asking yourself "hows does he know all of this?" dealing with people who are full of "it"
everyday, which makes me a poop expert~!

Why do people say they got their dog fixed....when it doesn't work anymore?
Ans: First off, dogs don't work persay. Secondly, the term "fixed" is a metaphor for getting their "puppy
factory abilities clipped".

Where do people that are already in hell tell people to go?
Ans: WELL. I tell all the bad girls in hell to go to my room. As far as the guys go, reckon they will have to
find a person with a "red" phone.

When you are stuck between a rock and a hard spot.....is the rock not hard?
Ans: If you really want to know if a rock is hard, pick one up, smack yourself in the head, and then come
back and ask me this question again!

Does a lightening rod on top of a church show lack of faith?
Ans: I'll be damned! Someone finally has realized that a church is nothing more than a building.

If you put a raisin in a glass of water will it turn back into a grape?
Ans: Nope, but if ya cook it just right it makes a great wine.

What does it say on a bald man's drivers license for "hair color"?
Ans: You really are gonna make me look....well, it doesn't say anything at all and in fact it is blank
Cat did some research on this one and found that some say "none"
and some are blank....interesting!